Holding On to the Ropes of Midlife
Holding on; Letting go.
Finding our place in the world.
As young adults we made some choices, plus a bunch of mistakes, but eventually found our place in the world. We climbed our ladders of success, some of us very pleased with our choices and others less so.
We raced our friends to the top, looking over our shoulders, or across to other ladders. But mostly, we kept our heads down and kept going, happy to be in the race. We measured our success in terms of work status, homes, cars, toys, babies and vacations.
In midlife, this constant push forward meets with unexpected resistance. Many of us find that we’ve finally climbed to the top of that ladder only to feel like we’ve climbed up the wrong building, onto the wrong roof. We’re surrounded by people who we don’t connect with, doing something we don’t really want to do every day for the rest of our lives.
Now what?
At a glance, it seems like we have two choices: 1) throw it all away and start over, or 2) an unfulfilling life of quiet desperation. The reason it feels like there are only two choices is because that’s the way our brains our wired – this or that, worst-case or best-case, either/or.
But, you don’t have to be a victim of your brain’s automatic, default way of thinking. You can hit pause and actually engage the more evolved part of your brain to sort through where you are on your journey. You can come up with a plan.
If this is you, hit the pause button before you do anything. There are likely many more than two choices ahead of you.
The Midlife Ropes
Think of it this way. You are standing in the middle of your life. In one hand you hold a rope that is tied to your past. It’s everything you’ve invested in, all you’ve built, all you’ve accumulated. It’s everything you thought you wanted, but now you’re not sure about anymore. In fact, it feels terribly wrong. You’re holding tight to it, yet the urge to let it go is strong. You need to keep the rope moving. This takes more effort than it used to, but you can’t just let the rope go still.
In the other hand is a different rope that represents your future. Someone from the other end is waving it back and forth so it’s harder to hold. You can’t imagine who or what is making it jump so much, but the urge to find out is so strong. It holds the promise of something better, something more meaningful. It feels ripe with possibilities. You’re going to have to let go of the other rope and get two hands on this rope or it’s going to get away from you and you’ll never find it again.
So there you are, in the middle of your life, holding on to these two important ropes. Which one will you hold onto? Which one will you release?
This defines the angst of midlife. I’m mixing metaphors a bit here with the ladder and the rope, but the visuals help make this clear.
Option 1 - Let go of the past and start over
If you’ve climbed the ladder onto the wrong roof, make no mistake, it can be a painful grind. You may not enjoy going to work day after day. How can you possibly do this for another twenty years? You see others living the lives of their dreams – why not you? The obvious conclusion is that you must climb down your ladder and move it to the right roof and climb it to endless joy and unicorns.
In other words, the need to start over is a compelling argument. Walk away and get yourself onto a truer, more authentic path. It’s never too late. Do what you love and the money will follow! It makes complete sense, and yet, something nags at you, so you don’t do it. You keep coming back to it, but you never act. You feel stuck.
This is the rope you’re wrestling with. Has everything been misguided up to this point? Do you need to throw it all away and begin again? Let’s hit pause and say no. For now.
Option 2 - Let go of the future and endure a life of quiet desperation.
You need to be practical. There’s no money in dreams. How would it ever work? You have responsibilities. People are counting on you. You need to be an adult and put away your selfish, childish dreams. It’s the right thing to do. You don’t need meaning and purpose. You need a home and a good income. When the feelings of an un-lived life bubble to the surface, you push them back down. You self-medicate with vacations, upgrading your house, having a glass of wine. For now.
Hold on!
You’re really in the middle of life when you’re holding on to these two ropes, these two options. It’s hard, but I’d like to encourage you to hold on a little bit longer. There’s a way forward. But, in the meantime, you need to hold on to the two ropes at the same time. It’s not easy, but it’s doable. In fact, this dichotomy is what defines midlife. This is why midlife can be a struggle. Plus, you don’t have to do it forever. Just, for now.
Do you really need to toss everything and start over? Isn’t it possible that there’s a way to build on what you have as well as be able to connect to your midlife yearnings? If you can bear the tension for a little while, you can create who you want to be without discarding who you have been.
In order to hold on, you’re going to need some new tools. In order to explore a way forward that includes all of you it’s going to take some effort. How much depends on you.
Be careful of your brain here. It's trying to help, but it's default way may not serve you.
Be careful of your brain here. It will tell you that it will be easier to just let go of one of the ropes. Your brain is wired to avoid effort now. It will tell you that making an effort now is bad. But, do the math. If you were to spend an hour a week for a month, for six months, really figuring out how to make a regret-free decision about your future, wouldn’t that be less effort than completely starting over or deciding to make no changes at all, ever? Think about that one. It’s important.
Maybe you've already let go of one of the ropes. It's okay.
It’s going to turn out okay no matter how you do it. If you’ve already moved your ladder and are climbing up to a new roof, good for you. If you’ve been living a life of quiet desperation, it’s never too late to take a look in the mirror and investigate possibilities.
I’m one of the ones who let go of the past and started over. I’m here to tell you that it hasn’t been easy. I’m not sure life is meant to be easy, but I wish I had known this earlier. I left my corporate career, burned out and tired, thinking that I hated marketing and hated the corporate life. It turned out that I hated being burned out. After a Rip-van-Winkle type rest, I woke up one morning to realize I didn’t hate marketing at all. I actually missed it, missed my teams, missed the work. But, I had closed that door. Or so I thought. But that’s another story.
To conclude.
You’re not alone, and you’re not the first. Rest assured that you can find your way through midlife. I can’t guarantee that you’ll come out of it without a scratch. But, we can learn from those who have come before. This midlife is not your parents’ midlife, nor will your children’s be the same either. Still, we don’t have to do it the hard way. By being mindful, we can save ourselves angst, time and money.
Next up … Midlife is Not a Crisis.
