You can't shame someone into action.
(It’s wound to wound communication.)
Using shame to movitivate.
I’ve been thinking about this because it’s all over my facebook page – people using shame to try to convince others that their political candidate is better. Or, that their way of handling the pandemic is the better way. It’s a valiant effort, but doesn’t inspire action in the way its meant to.
It's wound-to-wound communication.
That’s because it’s “wound-to-wound” communication. People are speaking from their hurt, anger and fear and that activates the same or similar emotions in their intended targets. While it may be well-intended, it’s not received that way. In fact, it might have the opposite effect.
Remember the Shame Nun from Game of Thrones?
If you’re a Game of Thrones fan, you might remember The Shame Nun taking shame to new heights.
Cersei Before:
Cersei After:
Activism Today.
This is also why some of today’s activists are triggering. There are so many good causes that become polarized. Part of it might be because of their use of shame to motivate us. I have to think this is where, for example, the backlash against vegan-ism stems from. It’s a reasonable cause rooted in kindness, yet it’s a dangerous thing to admit you’re a vegan on social media these days.
Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems, works with racial activists using this principle. He helps activists recognize their wounds and move past those wounds to a place he calls Self. Being Self-led means leading from a calm, confident, compassionate place versus from anger, hurt, and shame.
Leaders who use this style of communication inspire us. They motivate us to take action and make us want to be better. Leaders who use shame to communicate activate our wounds and we do not respond as the best versions of ourselves.
Where do you use shame to motivate?
It’s kind of tricky because using shame can look like passive-aggression or full-blown aggression. Once I became aware of this, I’ve bitten my tongue more than once. If I’ve been triggered, I really need to take a minute to get myself back to my real Self. Once there, I can be curious and compassionate and maybe ask a real question instead of a veiled one.
So, over to you. Are getting triggered by someone who is using shame to motivate you? Can you take moment to recognize the wound that has been activated within you and move beyond that (maybe check in with it later) and back to your real Self?
Are you using shame to motivate others? Does shaming them bring them over to your side? What if you shift to calmness, curiosity, and compassion? How does your question or statement change? Does that change shift the conversation?
