Square One
My slate is clear.
Wtf is going on?
In life, it is inevitable that we hit snags. Everything is going great and then something happens that throws you off-track. It could be a life event like losing a job or a loved one. It could be an internal crisis where you’ve begun to question the purpose of life.
Either way, your life has been disrupted and seems to be asking something of you that you are not equipped to handle.
This can be incredibly disorienting and can lead to feelings of depression and hopelessness. Change is hard, but it can become a little easier if you gain a better understanding of what’s actually happening.
Square One.
I have found the idea of a Square One to be one of the most helpful things when it comes to understanding change and transformation.
It’s pretty simple. Something happens. There’s a “before” and there’s an “after”. The first stage of the “after” is, what we call in our coaching method, a Square One.
You know you’re in a Square One when you want to get on with things, but you can’t. No matter how hard you try, you’re stuck. Typically, you’re stuck exactly where you don’t want to be. You desperately want to get out, to move forward, but there seems no way forward.
You’d like to go back to the “before” stage, but you can’t. You can’t move forward. You’re stuck right here, and it’s not pleasant. It’ a time when you keep asking, “What is happening?” And there is no answer.
Disorientation, fear, uncertainty invade daily life. It’s a lot.
Navigating your Square One.
Now what? The good news is that there is a way through this. The bad news is that you have to go through. You can’t go around. You can’t opt out. Well, you can, but you only prolong your visit to the uncertainty of Square One.
The way out is acceptance, and the road to acceptance is the well-travelled path of denial, anger, depression, and bargainging. You don’t have to go in order. You can bounce around, but there’s a good chance you’ll experience all these things during a Square One.
8 tips to try.
1. Create a cocoon where you can safely pass the time. Maybe it’s Netflix. Maybe you just want to go to bed. Maybe you’re cooking up a storm. It’s all good. It’s a place you can take refuge in when things get rough.
2. A deliberate pause: On your way to picking up your phone, eating that second piece of banana bread, having a drink, slow it right down. What feeling are you avoiding as you reach for these comforts? Is it irritation? Boredom? Depression? These feelings are your stepping stones out of Square 1. You don’t need to tackle them all at once, but take tiny steps to acknowledging them.
3. Old Stories: These feelings can come from old stories that no longer serve you. If you feel the feeling, even just a little, you can often find the story, the belief, the words behind that feeling. Then you can decide if you are still on board with that story.
3. Breathe and be in the present. So simple; so not easy. But, so worth the effort.
4. Remember that it’s normal to feel disoriented and confused. You’re not going crazy. Your brain is not damaged. Square One’s muddle your thinking.
5. Make small moves; avoid big decisions if you can.
6. Remind yourself that there is a future. You just can’t see it yet. Cultivate faith in that future. This is a practice.
7. Know that your brain is designed to automatically go the the worst-case-scenario. Use your mind to come up with other possibilities. Don’t believe the first thing your brain offers.
8. Go into nature. Walk. Hike. Be with trees. Look out over horizons. Visit with animals. Be soothed by water. Let nature share its wisdom with you. Let it console you with its constancy.
Look for good things.
There will come a time when you’ll want to look for good things in this mess. It may not be right away. But, one day, you’ll notice yourself thinking, “What if …” or “I wonder …” or you’ll perk up when you hear an idea. Your energy will come back a bit. You may even change out of your pajamas. Notice this as a sign that you are navigating your Square One. Orient yourself towards this light. You still may be stuck in the muck, but gradually there’s more light than dark.
Until then, your cocoon is your best bet. Don’t rush it, but do your work. Look under your hood. Examine your fears. Notice your feelings. Be curious about your thoughts and beliefs. The more you do this, at your own pace, honoring your energy, the faster you’ll get out of the fog.
It will run its course. But, it will take longer than you want it to. Guaranteed.
What to leave behind.
While everything is being stripped down to its essence, notice what falls away. Also notice what you no longer want to carry. What has become heavy? What parts of yourself have become fake or unrecognizable? What can you put down?
What’s calling to you? Has some passion that’s been put on the back burner re-emerging? Are you suddenly interested in something new for reasons you don’t yet understand. Is a childhood idea re-surfacing? Play with these things. Let them be the light in the darkness.
At the beginning of every week (or even every day), make a list of what’s working and what’s not working. You’re not making decisions yet. You’re just being curious and noticing.
Can you hear a call?
Is anything calling to you? Have you found some joy? It doesn’t need to make sense yet. Can you give it a name? If so, you might be ready for your Square 2.
Square One
My slate is clear
Rest your head on me my dear
It took a world of troubles
It took a world of tears
It took a long time
To get back here.
~ Tom Petty
Wha'ts Next?
That’s the thing about a Square One. Nothing is next. Bleh. Not yet anyway.
