It got really quiet for me.
Navigating the storm.
I started off this thing with a Snowstorm mentality. It felt like a welcome pause button on life. For this introvert, it meant a welcome break from all the extroverting that goes with running a business. I felt overwhelming relief.
For a couple of days, I got really still and just enjoyed the feeling of all the weight that had been lifted from my shoulders. For the first time in a really long time, I came to a complete rest and started to feel like myself again. I rediscovered long lost pieces of me that I had forgotten.
Then I had a dark night of the soul. From 2:00 am to 5:00 am, on a Thursday night, I dove, wide-eyed, into a pool of anxiety so deep and wide that I thought I’d never get out. So many terrible things happened during that dark night. I went to hell and back, checking the boxes of every worst-case scenario that visited me. It all seemed so real and true and bleak.
Much to my surprise, in the light of day, none of those things had come to pass, Sure, these things could happen, but they also couldn’t. Truly, in this unprecedented time, anything seems possible.
The eye of the storm.
And then, for me, the impossible really did happen. I fell into a deep, quiet pool of peace that lasted for two solid weeks. In the midst of the raging pandemic out in the world, I stood with my feet solidly planted in the eye of the storm. I had no appetite for the news, for podcasts, for distractions, or for any external bluster. I had no appetite for for the storm of life. All I wanted and needed was this deep and abiding peace.
During that time, I felt bad about feeling good. My mind turned to the healthcare workers, the poor people getting sick and how scared they must be, the worry, the isolation, the jobs being lost, the hypochondria, the anxiety, the economy. How could I feel at peace as others suffered?
But then, I thought about the Dalai Lama, and about Pema Chodron and about Byron Katie and about Eckhart Tolle. During my tough times, I did not resent them. I sought them out. I so desperately wanted to find what they had found. With this in mind, I returned to my deep state of peace, secretly hoping that I too would stay peaceful forever and ever.
Alas, I’ve since emerged from that deep, quiet place. My re-entry to this world appeared as a shock of anxiety that jolted me awake in the middle of the night last week. Not another dark night of the soul, but an re-awakening to the world. I think I secretly hoped that this deep peaceful Karen was the new and improved me. Wouldn’t that be cool? To emerge from the pandemic as an enlightened being? Maybe someone gets to do that, but, darn, it’s not me. Not yet anyway. A girl can dream!
The comeback.
In the last few days, I’ve felt my energy coming back. I feel curious about the world again. I feel curious about you and how you’re doing!
But, even though I’m back, something has changed. In that deep, wide quiet, I became curious about me for a change. And what I found were some of my missing pieces. My yoga practice, which has been inconsistent for the past couple of years, became something I looked forward to and am still enjoying. I’ve been lighting candles and incense for the first time in a long time. I’ve been chanting before my practice, surprised I remembered the words. I’ve been wondering where my copy of the Bhagavad Gita is.
I dusted off my astrology texts and software and welcomed the deep knowing found in the ancient art of seeing ourselves, the world, and each other. I’m diving right in.
I opened up Photoshop, curious if I’d be able to catch up to the technological changes of the past few years. Turns out I didn’t miss much technology-wise, but I missed the creativity.
I’ve been wondering about that novel of mine that has sat collecting dust on my hard drive. Maybe I should do something about that.
I started violin lessons with Itzack Perlman. Imagine that!
I coached clients, which filled me with energy and purpose. I returned to some of my earlier teachings, grounding myself in the basics. I did a personality test and I’m still an INFJ, a personality type particularly suited to this coaching thing. Not that I needed any convincing.
I started meditating again. Not because I “should”, but because my practice seemed to be waiting for me to begin it again. It had never left me, but I had left it somewhere along the way.
The sweet things that make me, me.
These are some of the things that I left behind. I found them again in the peace that came to me in the eye of this uncertain storm. They are the sweet things that make me, me. Those, and my home, and my husband, family and friends (horse friends included), and my emerging energy healing work. Oh, and the flowers and the trees. There have been a few hugs.
I am seeing myself more clearly and seeing the earth more clearly too. I’m seeing cariboo and buffalo on the beach, penguins on the streets in South Africa. I’m hearing about less pollution, more quiet, and wondering what this pandemic is all about. Is it Mother Nature grounding us: telling us to go to our rooms and think about what we’ve done, to eat our vegetables, and to get some sun and some rest?
Answer is ... peace, magic, nature.
I have been getting a consistent message lately – It is not my job to dive into the storm and get caught up in the rhetoric and the panic. It’s my job to be me, and to stay in the peaceful zone, and to do my work in the world.
I find I’m turning away from noise and towards meaning, towards magic and nature. And, I wanted to share this with you because I am wondering what your journey has been? What have you found? What meaning is there in this for you? Or, are you ready to surface yet? No? Take your time.
