The mid-life pause.
One of the silver linings of the pandemic is the idea of a pause. Not everyone likes it, but pretty much everyone knows what one is now.
We’ve come to discover that there’s value in a pause. We rediscovered long-lost interests. Priorities have changed. When we can’t spring into action, it opens up other avenues, not all of them comfortable, but some of them fun.
In the middle of life, we’re so busy with work and families that a pause can seem impossible. That said, there is value in a pause. It doesn’t have to be a multi-month pause, but could be a daily or weekly hit of the pause button to consider what’s been and what’s next.
The clumsy mid-life pause.
Several years ago, I hit the ‘pause’ button on my life and on my work. Burned-out from a twenty-five year corporate career that seemed as demanding as a two-year-old, I just needed to catch my breath. My plan was to 1) take the package that had been offered to me after my division got shut down, and then 2) hit the streets to look for new and better work, after Christmas, which was a couple of months away.
Instead, I did my own version of Rip van Winkle, and literally slept for a year. Twelve, fourteen, sixteen hours a night, naps in between. I knew I was tired, but sheesh. I finally emerged from my cocoon to realize I’d taken an accidental Gap Year.
I’d hit Mid-Life and really needed to hit pause, which I did. But, it turned out to be an unintentional, clumsy pause. “Everything is great!” I would exclaim, when it really wasn’t. Everything turned out fine, but there was a lot of unnecessary stress. To make a long story short, I moved from Canada to the US to be with my love. I got offered some contracts that better suited me. I became a coach.
It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Along the way, I longed for a socially-acceptable pause, maybe a Gap Year for adults. I dreamed of creating a place we, in the middle of life, could meet and share ideas, and prepare for our next chapters.
I feel like a bit of a cautionary tale in that I stumbled around alone, feeling isolated, watching my savings dwindle. That’s why I like to recommend a mindful mid-life pause. This is one of the reasons I became a coach.
The mindful mid-life pause.
If I was running the world, there’d be a socially-acceptable mid-life gap year and places we could gather, like a Mid-Life University. The curriculum would include an inventory of who we are now, what we’ve come to care about, what’s new in the world, what the earth needs, a skill upgrade. We’d meet new people and make a plan for the rest of our lives.
After some reflection and rest, we’d be ready to turn optimistically to the future and mindfully decide what we want to do with the rest of our lives.
If a mid-life Gap Year became the norm, an anticipated part of all our journeys, we’d plan for it. Unfortunately, it’s not the norm. Yet. But, that doesn’t mean that you can’t hit the pause button and create your own Gap Year.
7 Steps for a mindful mid-life pause.
How about purposefully planning a mindful mid-life pause?
You don’t have to quit your day job. You don’t have to rent a cabin in the woods and spend a winter alone there. Unless you want to. You can, however, figure out how to create some space in your life and spend six months or a year taking stock.
Before we begin ...
If you already took the leap without planning or following certain steps, that’s okay too. Or maybe the leap was thrust upon you. Don’t worry. There is no wrong way. It’s your journey, and you’ll figure it out. You’re creating your own way. You’re like a pioneer, a guide ahead on the path with a flashlight showing the rest of us the way.
Step 1 - Keep Your Day Job
You may not want to hear this, but often you can change yourself and how you think about a situation, rather than changing the situation. It’s a whole lot less disruptive, less expensive, and less stressful to try this first.
This is the heart of Mindwork. If you’re feeling like a victim of your work or of your life, it’s a sign that changing the way you think about things might be a game changer. It might be the thing that gives you the calm space to decide rather than react.
The best decisions are made when we’re moving towards something we want , rather than moving away from something we don’t want.
Create stability where you are. You can stay. Or, you’ve created a solid place from which to leap from. Either way it’s a win.
Tell yourself, “This is fine. For now.” This provides you with a window, an opportunity to figure it out.
Step 2 - Create some space.
The most popular objections to this are: 1) I don’t have time, 2) I don’t have money, 3) I don’t know what, 4) I don’t know how, 5) I don’t want to look foolish. End of story.
These are all solvable blocks. That’s because they begin in your mind, which means you start with your mind to solve them. You can do this without making any huge changes in your outside world. You can still go to work, stay married, hang with your kids, go to book club with your friends. You’ll be amazed at home much mindwork can “fix”, which allows you to get to get past drama and go directly to the real stuff.
This is why an intentional, mindful pause is key. it’s possible that you can overcome your own objection.
Step 3 - Start dreaming and go big with your dream. But, don't take a big leap just yet.
If you start with big dreams, you can always ratchet it back. But, if you start with small dreams, it’s harder to make them bigger as you go. If you don’t start with big dreams that excite you, you can get on the wrong track and arrive at a place you don’t really like.
What is a wildly impossible goal? What would be so great for you? What do barely dare to speak to another person? What is your ideal day?
You can’t create a big dream with your mind alone. You need to access other parts of yourself.
Step 4 - Have a Belief Plan
The stories you tell yourself, your thoughts, your beliefs are going to either be the fuel for your next chapter or the barrier.
Learn how to manage your thoughts, tell yourself better stories, notice when you’re being triggered into thought-patterns that can sabotage you.
You’ll need different beliefs at different times. That’s why you need a plan for beliefs.
Step 5 - Have a Money Plan
Money worries can be big dream killers. Sometimes, the struggle is real and we need to figure it out, and that can be part of your pause. What’s your tolerance for stress? What’s a realistic time-frame to make money if that’s what your dream is about?
Step 6 - Create the Conditions
If you’re serious about taking stock, what could your pause look like? Do you need to stay in your job while you do this (what can you do differently)? Do you need a change (can you transition to a contract)? Will you need your current connections to build your new thing (maybe it’s time to up your networking game)?
With an eye on your future, are there any new skills you can learn now, while training is still part of your current gig?
Can you recruit support: Find like-minded dreamers. Bring your husband on board early on. How can you find a new circle of women doing what you’re doing, asking the questions you’re asking?
Step 7 - Leave Room for Magic
This sounds like a whole lot of planning. It sounds counterintuitive, but the more you take care of the practical things, the more room you leave for magic to happen. The more steps you take into your future, the more you are stirring your dream pot.
Create the circumstances for serendipity. Don’t wait for them.
My Big Dream
I still have that dream of a Mid-Life University. I’m watching others to see what they’re doing. I continue to develop my skills as a coach and as a solo-preneur. I’m figuring out my next step.
I’m watching Chip Conley’s Modern Elder Academy, The Pillar Life, the Middlescence Movement. The list continues to grow, which is a very good thing. Do I need to start my own thing, or can I join others? The story is still unfolding.
