Why You Don't Know What You Want
(It’s Not Your Fault.)
The Great Yearning
There is something bittersweet about yearning. It’s our soul’s call to us that we’re meant for more, that there is something meaningful for us to be doing. Yet, too much yearning doesn’t feel so great. That’s because yearning is meant to be a call. It’s not meant to be a constant companion. You’re supposed to get the call and then do something. But what?
Why am I Stuck?
Do you look around and feel like you’re the only one with this deep, enduring desire for more? Do others seem to be on a path? Do you often feel like you’re the only one who doesn’t know what you want to do with your life?
In the middle of life, the yearning seems to get more intense. Maybe it’s because we feel like we’ve tried everything, and we’re still not “there” yet. Or, we’ve been thinking about it for so long and haven’t gotten any further than that. It’s just not going to happen for us.
What's Wrong with Me?
Often the default is to think there’s something wrong with you – that others can have what they want, but it’s just not meant to happen for you. That’s when you try to be happy with what you already have. That’s when you dive into life’s distractions. That works for a little while and then you loop back to your yearning.
What if there’s a reason you feel lost and you could fix that reason?
The Truth: You. Are. A. Genius.
Do you ever watch little kids and marvel at their joy? Why does one child seem intent on chasing the cat while the other loves to put things together? Why does one kid love to jump off a diving board and the other likes to paddle around the shallow end? It’s because we’re all different. We come into this world with curiosity about different things, delighted by what lights us up, excited to explore what seems interesting to us. That’s us. Our original, essential selves are delighted, curious, experimenting, wanting to do things because they feel good.
We’re plopped into families who may or may not see us, or may not nurture our differences. We’re taught in school as if we’re blank slates, not original geniuses full of ideas. We’re socialized so we fit in. Everything is easier that way. Or is it?
All this doesn’t erase the fact that you were then, and still are, a genius, meant for a life where you fluorish.
The World Didn't Set Us Up To Succeed
Ask yourself the following questions*. To flourish as your true self in this world, did you get everything you needed as a child?
- Were you treated as if you had a unique kind of genius?
- Were you told you could be anything you wanted?
- Were you given real help and encouragement in finding out what you wanted to do – and how to do it?
- Were you encouraged to explore all your talents and interests, even if they changed from day to day?
- Were you allowed to complain when the going got rough? Were you given sympathy instead of being told to quit.
- Were you bailed out if you got in over your head? Without reproach?
- Did you have role models, in your day-to-day life, who were completely absorbed in what they were doing?
- Contented, curious, open, vital, trust life, respect themselves
- Trying, failing, without blaming
- Were you encouraged to experiment in your own unique way?
We Can Stop Blaming Ourselves Now
To really know who you are, who you’re meant to be, you needed certain conditions. Like a flower, you needed good soil, some fertilizer, some sun, to be watered consistently.
Would you expect a flower to grow if you just threw a seed onto some concrete? Would you check it every day and be disappointed in it? Would you blame the seed for being flawed? Would you just wish it would grow?
For some reason, we think that we should be able to figure out what we want without creating the conditions for it. We think we can just wish it into being. So, we wish, we yearn, and like the seed on concrete, nothing grows.
Blaming ourselves got us here. Let’s get empowered instead.
We Have the Power
This is in no way about blaming our parents. They did their best, and maybe you even answered “Yes” to some of the questions. But, if you’re stuck in yearning, isn’t it possible that you’re trying to grow and change without giving yourself what you need?
The good news is that you are now a grown-ass woman who can create those conditions. You can create an environment where you can start to put a “Yes” beside those questions and others. You can create the conditions, find the way, do the things.
Where to Start?
Have compassion for yourself. Easier said than done. Think of yourself as that little, curious child. Give her (you) what she needs, and by extension give it to your present-day self.
Tell Yourself a New Story … Up until now, you didn’t know what, how, why. But there is a way, and you are completely capable of figuring it out.
Trust that you are unique and that you are attracted to certain things for a reason, that you have a unique intelligence designed for what you’re meant to be in this world, that you love things others don’t, that you have a natural way of being in the world. Notice these things. Don’t dismiss them. Trust that there is a reason you want certain things, even if they make no sense now.
Be curious.
Don't Wait for Others. Give Yourself What You Really Need.
Plant yourself in rich soil, in that spot in the garden that gets the morning light, and beneath that leafy tree that shelters you from the hot afternoon sun. Water yourself generously, but not too much. Surround you with other seeds, other flowers, other plants. Enjoy the bunnies hopping by, the squirrels’ antics. Listen to the birds sing their morning songs, signaling the start of a new day. Dream your garden alive.
Create the conditions for you to be you, to grow in your own unique way. When you do this, you flourish. You become you.
The yearning has done its job. It called to you and you answered. You don’t have to feel its ache. Because you’re on your way to discovering who you are and what you want.
Book Club News!
The book is out! I’ll have an update next week about when and where. Click the image below to go to a truly inspiring video. Plus get more information about the book and where to get it.
