Your Heart's Caution Signs
What’s the message it’s sending you?
Why Can't It Be Easy?
I often think of how simple things would be if my heart didn’t want so much.
I gaze longingly at others who seem to have life nailed down. They’re happy. They don’t ask for anything more, anything different. They practice gratitude for what they have. Why can’t I be like that?
It’s gotten worse, instead of better, in the middle of life. I’ve accomplished more, gotten many of the things I dreamed of. Shouldn’t I just be happy? Haven’t I earned that? When do I get my gold watch and a never-ending parade of beach days, sunsets, trips around the world? When do I get to be content?
The Midlife Unravelling
There’s something that happens at mid-life that we don’t talk about. In her article The Midlife Unraveling, Brene Brown says, “It’s a painful irony that the very things that may have kept us safe growing up ultimately get in the way of our becoming the parents, partners, and/or people that we want to be.”
Staying Safe is a Good Plan. Until It's Not.
We’re guided by this system inside of us that is designed to keep us safe. But there comes a time when either 1) safe isn’t good enough, or 2) the alarm bells go off, telling us what kept us safe in the past isn’t working anymore.
For the former, it’s a realization that what we thought we wanted isn’t what we really wanted, or that it’s changed – both these things can be, to say the least, disorienting. For the latter, we feel anxiety. Our identity, our ways of being are all we know. We don’t know what to do, so we super-charge what worked before. Something inside is knows it’s not the solution.
Now what?
A lot of this struggle is an inside job. On the outside, we keep up appearances. We do all the things we need to do to keep life moving forward. But, our insides don’t match our outsides and this private struggle can be something we don’t really have words for.
Who wants to talk about age, or midlife, or that you feel increasingly invisible, or that you’re feeling the nudge that you only have so much time, that you’re so done with the work you have, that you have mornings when your day feels like a friggin mountain to climb and you’re wondering if this is the day that breaks you?
Keeping up appearances is a stress all its own.
Solving the Problem
When we’re feeling stress, anxiety, disoriented, we start to think things like. “If I could just stop feeling anxious, I could move forward.” We manage the anxiety. And suddenly, the problem is us. We’re trying to fix us. What if there’s nothing wrong with us?
Problem Orientation
If you’re only focused on fixing problems, you might be missing the mark. I’m not suggesting you throw away all your current strategies or even your coping mechanisms. But, what if there’s another way that empowers you?
The Shift to Creating Outcomes
There’s something called the “Dreaded Drama Triangle”. It describes how we naturally show up in the world when things aren’t going our way. We ask why is this happening to me? We look for someone or something to blame. Our friends say, “They’re awful. You’re awesome.” It’s not wrong, but staying stuck here feels like crap.
The dynamics of the drama triangle can be very useful to a point, but they can also limit our effectiveness and prevent more creative ways of addressing life’s challenges. To counter this, there’s also the The Empowerment Dynamic. The Empowerment Dynamic shifts and reframes the story you tell yourself. You reconnect to dreams and desires. The outcomes you want not only seem possible, but you’re able to take actions to realize those dreams.
It’s also amazing how a shift in perspective can make you feel. There’s a world of difference between feeling like a stuck victim and feeling like a person who is creating what they want in life.
How to Become A Creator? A Hero?
In this framework, it’s the creator who challenges the status quo and works toward something they want. I like to call that “creator” the “hero”. And, while I self-servingly like the label “coach”, I like the label “guide” better. It invokes Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey where you’re the hero of your life and it’s ok to ask for help to get you through a rough part of the journey. I talk more about the Hero’s Journey in my new program – Be You. The Career Reboot. For Midlife Women.
There’s incredible power in telling yourself the right story. Your story, your beliefs, your thoughts create feelings that fuel action that create outcomes you want. You can move from just trying to solve problems to becoming a hero or creator.
Questions to Ask Yourself to Create that Shift
Where am I putting my focus?
- Am I focusing on problems or outcomes?
- A focus on problems engages the Victim Orientation
- When you upgrade to Creator Orientation, you focus on outcomes.
How am I relating to others?
- Am I empowering others and myself to be more resourceful and resilient and innovative?
- Am I creating drama that drains me over and over again?
What actions am I taking?
- Am I reacting to problems?
- Am I responding to challenges?
- Am I taking steps towards outcomes I like? Or am I standing still?
What outcome am I currently creating?
- No matter what I’m creating an outcome right now. What is it? Do I like it?
- Does this outcome serve me, my health, my life, my work?
- Is this a “default” outcome? Or is it one that I want?
The Midlife Journey
Here’s how Brene Brown describes it: Midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever. Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through your veins. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.
Perhaps You're Not Feeling the Call Yet
Perhaps you’re not feeling the call yet. But if you are, here’s another question. Is it time to show up and be seen?
