Save time. Feel less stressed.
(A simple midlife reframe you should do before you try any time management system.)
How can I best use my time?
Seems like a reasonable question. Many time-management systems have been designed to answer this very question. But, what if it’s the wrong question?
Did Teenage You ever ask this question?
Thinking back to when you were a teenager, do you remember earnestly asking this question? Or, think of a teenager you know. Do they seem obsessed with making the most of their time? When you try to get them to do this, do you meet with resistance?
When we were younger, we had a whole different relationship with time. Back then, we were more worried about missing out than we were about making the most of the time we had.
When did your relationship with time shift?
Fast forward a bit and you notice that time starts to get away from you. You get busier and busier and life becomes an endless loop of work, marriage, kids, weekends, to-do-list overload. This is life, we think. Time-management seems like a good solution.
Somewhere in midlife "time" became a problem.
Then, one day, you notice how tall your friends’ “little” kids got, or that your parents aged seemingly overnight, or you don’t get that promotion you were expecting. Wait a minute. What’s happening?
That’s when we start thinking thoughts like, “time is going by so fast”, or “time is speeding up”, or “time is running out”. “I need more time!” we call to no one in particular.
It’s like “time” turned on us and now it’s a whole different kind of problem in our lives. Yet, we still think time-management systems will solve our problem with time.
Step 1: Reframe how you think about time.
If you can entertain the idea that, at midlife, we become victims of time, the Dreaded Drama Triangle (The Karpman Triangle), popularized by David Emerald, provides some clues on how to shift out of this dynamic.
Check out the diagram below, and place “time” where it says “persecutor”, then move to the bottom of the triangle where it says “victim”. Can you see how you’ve slipped into a bad relationship with time. It’s become the boss of you!
Things like time hacks can rescue you from this task-master, but are hard to sustain. This is because they reinforce the idea that time is the enemy.
Step 2: Time as a challenger.
It’s okay to think those thoughts that light a fire under us. Heed the call, but stop there. Don’t use this messaging to manage your life on a go-forward basis.
Instead, use The Empowerment Dynamic below, and think of time as a challenge. In doing this, you become empowered and can ask yourself different, more useful questions.
Try these or make up your own: “How can I make the most of this day?” “I have enough time.” “When I slow down, time slows down.” “I’m going to take my time.”
If you have busy days, you can ask, “How can I make each day a stepping stone towards my goals?” “How can I make the most of this hour?” ” “How can I find time today?”
What's the payoff?
Less stress. More space. Maybe even more time.
Simply noticing that you’re in a dysfunctional relationship with time can provide incredible relief. Asking “Is that true?” when you have one of those “time” thoughts can be a game-changer. Coming up with more helpful thoughts can take it even further.
The best thing about this is that you don’t really need to do much to receive the benefit. You create space by simply noticing.
Note: This is not to dispute the fact that you’re busy, but it’s really pointing out that if you run around saying, “I have no time,” that those words make you more stressed versus less stressed. This might be tricky because this way of thinking pervades our culture.
This can also relate to life stages - For example, midlife.
If you’re in the middle of life, take a moment to notice your feelings about this life stage. Are you thinking thoughts like, “I’m running out of time.” Or, “It’s too late.” Or, “I’m too old to try x.”
How do those thoughts make you feel? Do those thoughts inspire action? Do they get you a result that you would really like. How can you get back into a good relationship with time, with time as a challenger instead of a persecutor?
Time as a challenger.
It’s okay to think those thoughts as they may serve as a call to action. Heed the call, but stop there. Don’t use this messaging to manage your life on a go-forward basis.
Instead, use the Dreaded Drama Triangle, and think of time as a challenge, not a problem to solve. In doing this, you can ask yourself different, more useful questions.
Try these or make up your own: “If I only have so much time in a day or in my life, how can I make the most of this day?” “How can I go slow to go fast?” “How can I make every day a stepping stone towards my goals?” “I have enough time.” “When I slow down, time slows down.” “I’m going to take my time.” “Time is on my side.” “I have all the time I need.” “What am I doing when I lose track of time?”
If you have busy days, you can ask, “How can I make the most of this hour?” “How can I spend this day, so that at the end of it I will feel like I had a good day?” “What am I avoiding working on?” “How can I make more time for what matters to me?”
Become a time creator.
Maybe the question, “How can I best use my time?” is not the wrong question, but your mindset matters when you ask it.
If you want to feel better, step out of victim energy and into creator energy. When you’re in creator energy you ask, “How can I best use my time?” you come up with all sorts of ideas. When you’re in victim mode, you most likely come up with tweeks or throw up your hands in frustration.
Time hacks may be helpful, but are you spending time and energy solving the wrong problem? Perhaps your root problem is your relationship with time.
Don’t chase time. Make time to do what matters to you.
